In my day the schools taught two things, love of country and penmanship-now they don't teach either.

I've always had a sneaking fondness for Martin Van Buren. He wrote his autobiography, you know, and never once mentioned his wife. Now that's what I call a mans man.

The customer is always right! John Wanamaker must be turning in his grave. If you're a customer today, you're an intruder.

You can't make the Duchess of Windsor into Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. The facts of life are very stubborn things.

People ask me what makes a good funeral, and I tell them the most important thing is your man in the casket. If you have a man of substance in there, you have the makings of a first-class funeral.

Have you ever heard one civilized person whose opinion you respect, at any time, anywhere, in any civilized country anywhere, say the good new days?

As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between the Republicans and the Democrats is the Republicans are Socialists and the Democrats are Bolsheviks.

Every damn President since I can remember has been so in love with foreign policy that they're just like a schoolboy with a new girl.

I detest professional anythings but particularly professional writers. Most of them today are just garbage collectors.