I went out with one girl who said, 'Don't treat me like a date, treat me like you would your mom.' So I didn't call her for six months.

I once had a man break up with me. He said I was using him because right after making love I would weigh myself.

It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot.

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

On a first date, usually guys take you to a movie where you sit in the dark staring at a screen, not speaking to each other. Makes perfect sense, it prepares you for marriage.

I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling a date a lie about myself and she caught me. I didn't think she'd actually demand to see the Bat Cave.

How do you know if a guy is really into you? Before the first time you go over to his apartment, he cleans his bathroom.

My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.

Last night I met a guy, and I was wondering, 'What would our kids look like, where would we live? Would he get along with my mother?' And then he asked, 'Can I take your order?'

Dating is like a box of chocolates, sometimes you get something weird.