The doctor said, 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're not a hypochondriac ... '

The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else's.

The modern sympathy with invalids is morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.

I have never gone to a doctor in my adult life, feeling instinctively that doctors meant either cutting or, just as bad, diet.

A medical maxim for doctors in diagnosis: when you hear hoofbeats, think of horses before zebras.

One finger in the throat and one in the rectum make a good diagnostician.

I finally have a dental plan. I chew on the other side.

My first neurologist had a very holistic approach to my illness. No more red meat, no more salt, no more alcohol. I said, 'What about sex?' He said, 'I'm seeing someone.'

I've decided to skip 'holistic'. I don't know what it means, and I don't want to know. That may seem extreme, but I followed the same strategy toward 'Gestalt' and the 'Twist', and lived to tell the tale.

My acupuncturist said, 'Take two thumbtacks and call me in the morning.'