I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

The other night I told my kid, 'Someday you'll have children of your own.' He said, 'So will you.'

When I was a kid my parents moved alot - but I always found them.

I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by, and I said, 'Are you Louise?' She said, 'Are you Rodney?' I said, 'Yeah.' She said, 'I'm not Louise.'

There Goes the Neighborhood

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

A hooker told me, 'Not on the first date.'