If someone were to pay you ten cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect five cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?

No one is listening until you fart.

I live alone and sometimes I wish there were a toothbrush in the holder next to mine. I often eat alone, sleep alone, and go to the movies alone, even on Saturday night. Some of my friends live the same way, and we agree that being alone is a tax we pay for the luxury of our freedom.

Don't think that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost. She may have got him.

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are.

Eat, Drink, and Remarry.

We're here because we're here because we're here because we're here.

Jesus saves! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know it is safe in their mouth.

Never say 'bite me' to a vampire.